Hey God! It's me, Jenna.

Let's talk Gay, Gay, Gay all DAY!

I'm ecstatic with the Supreme Court ruling, burying DOMA and all that bullshit.  I'm also freaking the f out tonight knowing that our beautiful state (California, I love you, you're the greatest state of all -- sing it!) acknowledged Prop 8 with no waiting period!

I love the LGBT community and especially those in my life that fall into that community.... however, I am not only happy because of all the wedding invites I expect ASAP [probably none, but I stay optimistic.... because it will give me an excuse to shop], but because I feel like this is a sign of our world embracing happiness.  

I've always known what I believe.  My beliefs aren't necessarily based on any particular religion, but based more on who I am, what I find comfortable as an outside religion [same principles, less organization] and the standard right & wrong concept.  However tonight, I got in a war with some asshole on Facebook and after fighting for who-knows-how-long, the argument actually made me question myself {ashamed to EVEN SAY!}

I have an open mind but I am admittedly [let's be honest] stuck in my ways..... I am not so CLOSED MINDED that I don't see another's point of view.

So after fighting my case, and basically losing my shit at the end, due to the other party's bigotry and closed mindedness - bullshit responses, I left the conversation. I walked onto my patio, sat down and begin to pray.

Who I was praying to, I don't know.  If I have to say.... was praying to the God I grew up with, the Universe I respect, the things I do not know and the questions I can't answer.  I essentially prayed to myself and anyone else who may be listening.

I started crying immediately.  I left organized religion because 1. religion & beliefs are circumstantial, 2.  I never felt I was truly accepted if I wanted to be purely me, 3. I freaking ball my eyes out at church, and I hate it! [maybe there are some underlying issues that we shouldn't touch, now.  This is about the gays... not me.]

So, I asked God/Zeus/Buddha/the Universe/my conscience for guidance.  "Is what I believe what you want?"  "What do you want?"  ["If the Bible was written in your word, have you evolved like we have?"]  I don't know if he answered, but immediately following my prayer, I was compelled to write this post..... and in someway [since I haven't touched my blog in months], I think it was Him compelling me to speak OUT LOUD about what he feels.  

I might not have something leather-bound to translate HIS message, but my little black Macbook will do just fine for now. 

God -- thank you for validating my feelings and answering my prayers. I really needed you tonight.... and so did all of those defending themselves, their best friends and their loved ones against an evil. 

Dedicated to the LGBT community.  Your strength & love have made this day possible.  Congratulations on this accomplishment.  We have a long way to go, in order to ensure these rights for the rest of the states, but we have won a battle.... and have the passion to win the war. xoxoxox

"It was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together… and I knew it." – Tom Hanks, Sleepless In Seattle

a world on an axis

Sometimes, very often in fact, I have to remind myself where I am.  Not literally, but figuratively.  Like "what in the bloody hell am I doing on a planet that is a tiny dot in a solar system infinitely huge?"  And this notion that my small life exists in such a frighteningly enormous realm is very humbling.  I wish I wouldn't have to remind myself of this understanding. I wish that it would be innate within me, because I would save quite a lot of money on the anti-anxiety prescriptions I prescribe myself.... [beer & cigarettes.] 

In my tiny life, encapsulated in this humongous abyss, I have learned quite a lot [however not the most humbling statement -- but true.]  Not about what makes the world rotate and how gravity works as much as the pure wisdom of what makes my teeny, tiny life spin on an axis with the rest of this universe. 

I wrote a "note" in my iPhone 2 weeks ago after celebrating the birthday of a very dear friend.  After a night at a bar with old friends, people I haven't talked to in months, maybe years and people I try to stay in touch with all the energy I have, I wrote this note.  And I feel this is insight into why I keep my life spinning on an axis without [often] faltering (as much as I probably should.)  

"There are two specific kinds of friends you can't shake.  The ones that don't have anything invested in you, therefore love you unwaveringly and the ones that have so much invested in you that they might, at some point or in some ways make you feel terrible, but love you unconditionally, regardless.  I'm lucky enough to say, I have both.  

For the first type of friend that I named, you may not put much value to them -- but those are the friends that will fight, maybe kill for you, regardless of how often you talk or see each other.  The second type of friends are the ones that listen to your woes & complaints and constantly bring you back to earth when you flutter away lost, in need of guidance.

I was able to connect with friends that fall into both categories in one night.  And I can't tell you how unbelievably lucky I feel for having all of them in my life..... and hopefully, I bring them the same sort of comfort, trust and validation that they give me. "

And that's how I ended my ever so lovely evening. Thinking of how the people I have in my life [some in more ways than others] make me who I am.

In the aftermath of the horrors that happened last week, I got fixated on a quote by Mr. Rogers that circled the Internet about "the helpers."  I believe that most of us, regardless of if we run towards flames or do something (according to the media) incredible, are helpers to those around us, each in our teeny tiny way.... and those itty-bitty gestures or feelings we evoke in someone, can in fact, make a big difference.

Signing off ..... and feeling like a kite, released from my stresses by those I love. 

xo

We're kind of like grownups.....

It's a very funny feeling when the calls between you and your "best gals" become more few and far between.  When your voice messages include "I'm sure you're busy too"  "I know we have been trying to get together and I'm so looking forward to that, when it happens"

Moral of the very short & sweet story, we're growing up.  And [mind you] I'm resisting.  When I have drinks with my bestest and we discuss seeing acquaintances, I laugh & cringe inside when she describes their conversations about how she is now working with me -- "how are things going, what are you doing now?" --  "Still working at the restaurant and now I have a big girl job in PR."  GASP!  [Makes my heart flutter speaking of it]  Resistance -- I guess what I am doing, what she just recently took on as her new place-where-I-spend-my-most-time-and-get-paid IS, in fact a big girl job.

With all of these signs pointing towards ---- >GROWN-UP< ---- and my friends posting photos on Instagram & Facebook of their engagement rings and {swallow} sonograms of their soon to be babies.... I'm only really phased me when see the post or think about it.  However, when I look in the mirror every morning before my big girl job, I only see me the me who has been, since always, a Peter Pan at heart.... and I panic remembering I have to be an adult for 9 hours.

I've tried to decifer my reasoning for not wanting to grow up, and, I could bore you insanely with my inconclusive findings, but that isn't important.  What's important is, that my first blog post here described my willingness and excitement for the future..... and I'm [somehow] going to have to find the me who wrote that to help me battin down the hatches and get ready for the ride.

Nightmare before Christmas

It has taken some courage, self understanding and humility to write this..... let's start at the beginning. 

I survived the supposed "Apocalypse", but barely managed to survive the Sunday morning before Christmas.  

[NOTE] When I wake up on Sunday mornings, I am most likely, subconsciously [in my head] singing, "Sunday Morning" by The Velvet Underground (unless I am incredibly hungover, in which case I take aspirin, a shot of bud light, champagne or in desperate situations, vodka -- fall back asleep and wake up later singing [in my head] "Sunny Afternoon" by The Kinks.)

This particular Sunday, I woke, rested.  Mimosa made by new roommate, BF sleeping late, I indulged in a chick flick on Netflix... catching up with my best friend on the phone, PERFECT.... but I digress. 

Nightmare before Christmas showed it's sweet little wicked face around 11:14 am.  I saw it's eye out the corner of mine.  Army crawling towards my favorite screen door, leading to my outdoor sanctuary- was a mouse.

With tears already in my eyes and anxiety in my chest I was somehow able to squeak the words to Sean that I saw a mouse.

[Mind you:  our neighbors on the first floor have described this experience to us before... and yet, because of our location, I never even winced thinking a mouse would come in OUR house.]

After crumbling bookshelves, tears & frantic calls to my mother, unanswered knocks on neighbors doors, and the hugest dining room renovation known to man, we caught the this little pest on an adhesive pad. Feet stuck to adhesive like the Woolly Mammoth's stuck in the La Brea Tar Pits, this mouse screamed.... something I in no way have the capacity to handle.

Luckily, Sean isn't as fearful or humane as I am... And was able to rid our home of this terror within moments.

Now, looking back, I think this was the last act of 2012 terrorizing me.  A year full of surprises, accidents, tests of strength & faith.... 2012 was a demon.

I was rear-ended twice... two cars totalled.  Sean broke his neck diving into a pool.  My grandma dealt with numerous health issues from cancer to a broken back.  My patience were tested by friends, work, and god almost daily.... [the good news?  I survived... and so did Sean & my grandma]

So far in 2013, I can say with conviction, "it's much better than last."  At least in the department of rodents.  I have yet to see another mouse... and for that, I'm thankful.

Cheers to a happy & successful twenty-thirteen. 

XX

Ancient Inspiration -- Part Un

I've had my black MacBook for approximately 8 years and it still works like a gem.  Friend's laptops, much younger than mine have crashed, sending all those memories, term papers, photos, songs and iChat histories into the black abyss that is a "crashed hard drive," however my little black computer has survived years of inappropriate restarting, fists on the keyboard, dead batteries & memory overload.... like a champ.  [thinking: now is probably the perfect time to "knock on wood"]

I recently went through old files.  Folders labeled "skinny" and "shit" on my desktop and this is what I found.  8 years of nonsense, that I still feel is completely irreplaceable. 

                                              

   



My obsession with Nicole Richie &the Olsen Twins.... archives of paparazzi shots.  [slight shame]











This is still a look I completely love -- [reminder:  search for those shades on eBay ASAP] ----->









  


Kristen Dunst in the look book for Band Of Outsiders.    Amazing!

Photos of me eating cup of noodles... and somehow trying, desperately, to artify/beautify bad eating habits combined with lazy days.  





And so, I leave you with that.  The archives of a mad, crazy, white woman who believes in paparazzi photos, the fashion trends from "many summers ago", Vietnamese snacks, and cliff hangers.  To be continued in part deux.  [work with me -- it took 8 years to compile these nonsense files, I should at least release them in parts.]

XX

Christmas Eve

Gifts wrapped, windows & tree lit up, A Christmas Story in the background on an early XMAS present from me to the house, a 51" Samsung, and wearing my favorite cashmere robe.

Oh yea, it's Christmas all right! <3

Wishing you & yours a very happy holiday. 

Merry Christmas!

Tomorrow & Beyond....

I guess you could say that I've given in.  Raised the white flag. Thrown in the towel. Buckled.


Two of my friends, bloggers.  One seasoned, one new, like me, have finally convinced me that perhaps there is something to an outward expression of self through writing.  So here I am.  Intending to be an open book - at least about what I think is even remotely interesting enough to share.


I originally wanted to name this blog, The Faces, Fashion & Fauxnetics (phonetics) of a Lost Girl... but I'm not lost, I'm just temporarily in purgatory. So I decided to revert back to my favorite quote by my jewish soul mate, Woody Allen.  And, never being a huge fan of change, I am pleased with the old dusty quote getting a new life. Here.

In addition to the quote, I've also dusted off my ol' (but oh, so loved) black macbook (how very Carrie Bradshaw of me.)  Looks like Woody's words won't be the only thing getting breathed new life. 

Tomorrow is the end to the Mayan's calendar and I admit I have Doomsday Preppers on the TV in the background.   It is nothing less than terrifying to think the world could be over as we know it, however, over the last few months I have tried (and sometimes failed) to reflect on each day.  I see importance in weighing the good against the bad, evaluating the mess ups & achievements, and overall taking a moment to contemplate how I can make tomorrow better, more successful, in even the smallest way.  It doesn't always make me feel better, but, let's be honest - few things in this world work as planned 100% of the time. 

If I had to weigh the good against the bad in the last 26 years of my life, the personal achievements, feelings of happiness, support I've received, social encounters and people I love sweep any negative that has come my direction.  My hallelujahs & hurrahs have outweighed any of my mistakes or regrets. My tomorrows have been better... at least within my control.  

If tomorrow results in the end of humanity, I won't have much to cry over, or regret.  Perhaps never being to Paris, London, Moscow, Tokyo or Sydney.  Perhaps feeling I didn't say "I love you" enough, even though I say it all the time.  Even to strangers on the phone at work, on accident- by habit..... however, overall, I am set. I am content, fulfilled & complete.  -- At least until I wake up in the morning.  I have a duty tomorrow.  I need to make it, I, better than today, yesterday and the day before.

Cheers to personal improvement, an open mind & never losing hope on tomorrow. Until then.....