Have you ever listened to that song, from Fiddler On The Roof? It's lovely and heartbreaking. Like a story it's a male and female wondering how time flew by so quickly, day after day, sunrise and sunset. It's been playing in my head for several weeks now. After subconsciously humming something I didn't recognize, aside from the words Sunrise, Sunset I finally downloaded it.
I've never seen Fiddler On The Roof, and I'm not sure where I would've ever heard the song before. How did it wind up in my head?
It's been a long while since I've been here, mainly because I can't so easily direct my thoughts lately. Beginning at the start of 2016 my uneasiness, which I'm actually very used to, if even comfortable with now, became unbearable. I looked for other job opportunities and in July I transitioned to a new company after nearly 6 years with my former company, which had been my first real big-girl job. The transition was seamless, simple, comforting, inviting, and exactly what I needed....
It's amazing the trickle-down effect, and how I've witnessed it happen since that first big step.... and no, this will not be political, no intentional reference to Reagan. I'm referring to the trickle-down effect that soon happened in my life after making one momentous change. Like opening Pandora's box, soon other areas of my life seemed to wreak havoc on my psyche and mentally.
Come November I began looking for an apartment, which I found and moved into in December.
I'm learning a lot about myself, very quickly, living in my first place, YES- 1st place of all my own at 30! I am very independent, as I've always known, but I am ridiculously dependent at the same time. I love my space but I also love somebody standing by as I bore of myself and my antics. This, and a special request from a friend to update my blog because they "are bored at work," led to this post. Dear friend, I FEEL YA! I'm bored as shit right now and have been for about 3 straight days. The habits I employed to help me decompress after work -- if you know me at all, you know that's drinking bud light and smoking parliaments -- have even tired. [But, yes... of course I AM drinking a bud light right now. Thank you]
So, with the boredom numbing my brain, and the independence wearing, I imagine the trickle-down with very soon take effect once again.
Don't get me wrong, I am very happy. I think I'm starting to feel more and more like myself everyday, regardless of if I know who that person is anymore. Spending nearly a decade, as I was recently reminded, in a situation is incredibly significant and inevitably altering. Friends have asked me if "single Jenna" will be back because she was such a riot, or so much fun to drink with. Ha! Well loves, and strangers, every Jenna will always have a drink in her hand when appropriate, and fairly often when not. Not to worry there.
But I too question, once all the layers of a one, who was for a long time a two, shed and wash away, what of me will remain? What has changed? What will go back as before? What has been permanently altered?
The last question I can answer indefinitely with my waistline.... and I don't think the wrinkles in my forehead just pop back out very easily either. [it's fucking depressing getting old -- Sunrise, Sunset]
I haven't been bored in a very long time and I texted my best friend tonight about how maybe the alleviation of pressure has wiped my brain clean of all the thoughts that kept me busy. I should feel rejuvenated with my clear head, but like any change, good or bad, it takes a little adjustment period to fully accept it. I'LL WAIT. [are we there yet?]
Truth be told, I'm not all that confused or concerned. I welcome the future with open arms and I'm excited for everything that comes next... after 30.... AFTER FUCKING THIRTY [are you kidding me?] -- I really do. However, it feels good to outline these feelings that do sometimes scare me, and for the time being, make me feel a bit like a fish out of water. A good reflection on such a momentous time. A time of growth. A time of anticipation. A time of boredom [which if I'm being honest, might kill me by morning.]
If I survive myself to see tomorrow, I promise to narcissistically update my blog more often... to ward off the boredom and pacify my one fan. [Kim -- I love you, mean it.]
And what is this fork in the road
And what is this fork in the road
