Oh, hey stranger. #reboot

I've been wanting to revisit my blog for an uncomfortably long time because I like that it draws from me things I want to process and feel and document and reflect on later.  I think I've been putting off a new post (for like 3 years) because so much has changed.  There have been developments in my world. Big and major changes.  But, with that, my head has changed.  My previous ideas have evaporated or evolved and my concepts and goals have completely shifted and altered. 

[If you are reading this and thinking "well, no duh," you aren't wrong.... but I'm saying it the way I say everything here- for a personal purpose.  This blog was a personal outlet and something I was proud of, so it lives in my mind, preserved in jade, like a bug, perfectly unaffected by time and untarnished, like a love story. How do you revisit that without feeling unworthy of maintaining its beauty (beauty is relative - I love it, STFU it's my art)... that's where I'm at.]

I guess what I am poorly attempting to say is that it's taken me time for me to understand that I can revisit this with my new voice.  I think the mirroring of my past voice was, for good reason, my biggest hurdle, but I've accepted that adding to something, even if in a new and different way, doesn't necessarily mean it's going to destroy the original.  So here I am. 

Back.

Where to start?  [not at all a hurdle - I'm creating suspense]

One thing I think I knew about myself when starting this blog but has become more a part of my core identity as I've aged is that I adore transparency.  From & for myself, and from other people.  I'm one of those people that really hate surprise parties.  Not the end result, that's crazy!  The idea is gorgeous and thoughtful and has lots of charms... but I like to know what I'm in for so I can properly prepare.  When it comes to emotions and relationships in real life, I want to know what I'm in for and what I need to do to rise to the occasion. 

[Not to be confused with a doomsday prepper.  Don't fooled into coming to my front door after the "big earthquake."  I literally only have condiment packets, alongside expired batteries and 2 inches of filtered water, in my fridge.  *Remind me to do something about that- please, and thank you!*]

I, in turn, try to be an open book, and on the surface level, I am. However, [I say this with trepidation because it's my first time admitting it] I am only recently realizing how much is under the surface that I don't share (for one) and other stuff buried so deep that I don't even know if I'm aware of it.  All this time I've been preaching "open book," and then come to find out that my own book has invisible ink in between the lines, in the margins, and on all those pages I thought were blank for a purpose. 

I'm listening to Devendra Banhart 'Mara' and "something I cannot control" is on repeat and ringing so true. 

Some of these private, hidden entries are intentional and for my own self-preservation. 

Side note: I do a lot of what I do for self-preservation.  Some can be described as trial and error - already learning where I can be damaged or do damage and therefore changing behavior, hiding pieces of my self, or repressing memories, all to avoid future discomfort.  Some I think are completely out of my conscious control, and I'm a victim of... emotional roofie? 

But I think these pages (of my personal mind book- if that wasn't evidently clear, HELLO!!) have a lot more than I ever expected hidden within them.  It's terrifying! 

What do you think it means when you hear 40 seconds of Lena Dunham's podcast episode about 'Aging' and burst into scary tears?  What does it mean?  Why does singing a song out loud, in my car- not my house, or the shower, or in public - make me weep?  Why do you think that is? 

Anyways, those were totally rhetorical questions.  I definitely don't want to hear your insight because I'm too happy floating on this cloud of denial and avoidance to get to the answer too fast, but, if all goes well, and I don't build a digital moat around me, you'll get to go on a little journey of my own exploration with me - here. 

I should be less self-deprecating. I am taking a sexual mastery course, with one of my old & dear friends, that has been great so far and is helping me to better understand the modern day me a little better.  That entry will be soon because I'm actually really excited to talk about it. 

Long story short.... I feel like I was so convinced of who I was for a long time that I forgot to keep checking in with MYSELF for updates.  An outdated blog and outdated personal software, are we detecting a trend? 

UPDATING ALL OF IT and then onward & upward with the reguarly scheduled program.   
Thanks for tuning in.  xx