awkward.silence

I'd say I'm not confrontational, but that is a L.I.E.  I hate confrontation but think it is necessary to preserve what little might be left in a relationship, friendship... otherwise, at least for me, all that remains is resentment.  

I've been dwelling on a particular situation for the past few months, and feeling unable to confront the party, due to extenuating circumstances beyond my control, I have come to loathe this person... with every ounce of my being.  It's torture. Pure torture holding everything I want to say in, as it grows with every encounter, every day.  

It's all coming to a head, and hopefully closure very soon, but until then... I have accepted I will remain miserable.  #totallycryptic.. I'm sorry.

friday

the sea air frizzes my hair 
as i sit quietly on the balcony
hearing only the sounds of raging traffic
doors slamming
and the presets through my headphones

the feeling of funerals being had
tears being wept
and spirits being tested

the sky bleeds lilac & peach
being melancholy & beautiful at the same time
depending on where you are standing
like most definitive things in this world
findings come back inconclusive

i yearn for sleep
rather the bed
a patch of serenity 
that exists only to comfort & hold

new faces pass through my eyeline
leaving behind their glances
stares
judgement
curiosity

and still i sit in silence
being nurtured by my own content
the air that ruins my hair
and the sky that mesmerizes
with the music reserving me
now it's the cranberries
and now i'm done

it's friday.

Contrast

In the darkest of skies, on the cloudiest days IS when I feel my optimism really shows through and comes to light -- when it truly consumes me and reveals itself.  

I got in an debate with Sean today about good and evil... and the necessity of evil in this world, the contrast, to make the positive relevant & evident.  There is so much evil in this world, and a lot of it we (as a whole) can't change.  We can't take it away or fix it..... and I understand that.  I feel the evil is the thing that highlights and pronounces the good.  I have come to peace with the fact that there will always be things & people that we hope will change, but won't.  Like drive-by shootings, rape, molestation, pedophilia, crime, liars, drug-abuse, road-rage, murders, hate, bigots, etc.  They may coexist with us, but they do not by any means define us as a population.  Those things and people make clear the ying & yang of the universe.

Point is, in my opinion, we will never be able to make this world or the people in it [including ourselves] perfect or resistant to hate & negatively, but with every positive thought we think and every positive action we fulfill, we make a difference.  It doesn't take a lot. It ranges from easy things like opening a door for someone or not honking at the car in front of you when the light turns green to taking more of a "commitment" like donating to a nonprofit or volunteering your time.....

But when it all comes down to it.... the "cost" to make things better isn't unreasonable.  Just thinking positively when you could do the opposite or telling the people you care about "I love you" whenever you can will make a difference. 

This world will never be rid of bad, cruel or evil..... but with every breath we take, we can make a difference.  

**I wrote this post because I know we, [I], need to be reminded of this.  I watch the news and read the daily papers for my job.  And, I feel so insanely pessimistic when I'm done.  It's easy to truly believe there is no hope!  I absolutely hate the quote "Sometimes I wonder... will God ever forgive us for what we've done to each other? Then I look around and I realize... God left this place a long time ago."  That's bullshit!  And saying that just gives you right to act like an asshole.  Don't like getting into this... but God put us here knowing full well what could (and would) happen -- look at Adam and Eve.  BUT, we are in control of our destinies, we are in control of our situations, happiness and fate.......

So act nobly, treat people how you would want to be treated, and love like it's your job.  

AMEN!

Hey God! It's me, Jenna.

Let's talk Gay, Gay, Gay all DAY!

I'm ecstatic with the Supreme Court ruling, burying DOMA and all that bullshit.  I'm also freaking the f out tonight knowing that our beautiful state (California, I love you, you're the greatest state of all -- sing it!) acknowledged Prop 8 with no waiting period!

I love the LGBT community and especially those in my life that fall into that community.... however, I am not only happy because of all the wedding invites I expect ASAP [probably none, but I stay optimistic.... because it will give me an excuse to shop], but because I feel like this is a sign of our world embracing happiness.  

I've always known what I believe.  My beliefs aren't necessarily based on any particular religion, but based more on who I am, what I find comfortable as an outside religion [same principles, less organization] and the standard right & wrong concept.  However tonight, I got in a war with some asshole on Facebook and after fighting for who-knows-how-long, the argument actually made me question myself {ashamed to EVEN SAY!}

I have an open mind but I am admittedly [let's be honest] stuck in my ways..... I am not so CLOSED MINDED that I don't see another's point of view.

So after fighting my case, and basically losing my shit at the end, due to the other party's bigotry and closed mindedness - bullshit responses, I left the conversation. I walked onto my patio, sat down and begin to pray.

Who I was praying to, I don't know.  If I have to say.... was praying to the God I grew up with, the Universe I respect, the things I do not know and the questions I can't answer.  I essentially prayed to myself and anyone else who may be listening.

I started crying immediately.  I left organized religion because 1. religion & beliefs are circumstantial, 2.  I never felt I was truly accepted if I wanted to be purely me, 3. I freaking ball my eyes out at church, and I hate it! [maybe there are some underlying issues that we shouldn't touch, now.  This is about the gays... not me.]

So, I asked God/Zeus/Buddha/the Universe/my conscience for guidance.  "Is what I believe what you want?"  "What do you want?"  ["If the Bible was written in your word, have you evolved like we have?"]  I don't know if he answered, but immediately following my prayer, I was compelled to write this post..... and in someway [since I haven't touched my blog in months], I think it was Him compelling me to speak OUT LOUD about what he feels.  

I might not have something leather-bound to translate HIS message, but my little black Macbook will do just fine for now. 

God -- thank you for validating my feelings and answering my prayers. I really needed you tonight.... and so did all of those defending themselves, their best friends and their loved ones against an evil. 

Dedicated to the LGBT community.  Your strength & love have made this day possible.  Congratulations on this accomplishment.  We have a long way to go, in order to ensure these rights for the rest of the states, but we have won a battle.... and have the passion to win the war. xoxoxox

"It was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together… and I knew it." – Tom Hanks, Sleepless In Seattle

a world on an axis

Sometimes, very often in fact, I have to remind myself where I am.  Not literally, but figuratively.  Like "what in the bloody hell am I doing on a planet that is a tiny dot in a solar system infinitely huge?"  And this notion that my small life exists in such a frighteningly enormous realm is very humbling.  I wish I wouldn't have to remind myself of this understanding. I wish that it would be innate within me, because I would save quite a lot of money on the anti-anxiety prescriptions I prescribe myself.... [beer & cigarettes.] 

In my tiny life, encapsulated in this humongous abyss, I have learned quite a lot [however not the most humbling statement -- but true.]  Not about what makes the world rotate and how gravity works as much as the pure wisdom of what makes my teeny, tiny life spin on an axis with the rest of this universe. 

I wrote a "note" in my iPhone 2 weeks ago after celebrating the birthday of a very dear friend.  After a night at a bar with old friends, people I haven't talked to in months, maybe years and people I try to stay in touch with all the energy I have, I wrote this note.  And I feel this is insight into why I keep my life spinning on an axis without [often] faltering (as much as I probably should.)  

"There are two specific kinds of friends you can't shake.  The ones that don't have anything invested in you, therefore love you unwaveringly and the ones that have so much invested in you that they might, at some point or in some ways make you feel terrible, but love you unconditionally, regardless.  I'm lucky enough to say, I have both.  

For the first type of friend that I named, you may not put much value to them -- but those are the friends that will fight, maybe kill for you, regardless of how often you talk or see each other.  The second type of friends are the ones that listen to your woes & complaints and constantly bring you back to earth when you flutter away lost, in need of guidance.

I was able to connect with friends that fall into both categories in one night.  And I can't tell you how unbelievably lucky I feel for having all of them in my life..... and hopefully, I bring them the same sort of comfort, trust and validation that they give me. "

And that's how I ended my ever so lovely evening. Thinking of how the people I have in my life [some in more ways than others] make me who I am.

In the aftermath of the horrors that happened last week, I got fixated on a quote by Mr. Rogers that circled the Internet about "the helpers."  I believe that most of us, regardless of if we run towards flames or do something (according to the media) incredible, are helpers to those around us, each in our teeny tiny way.... and those itty-bitty gestures or feelings we evoke in someone, can in fact, make a big difference.

Signing off ..... and feeling like a kite, released from my stresses by those I love. 

xo

We're kind of like grownups.....

It's a very funny feeling when the calls between you and your "best gals" become more few and far between.  When your voice messages include "I'm sure you're busy too"  "I know we have been trying to get together and I'm so looking forward to that, when it happens"

Moral of the very short & sweet story, we're growing up.  And [mind you] I'm resisting.  When I have drinks with my bestest and we discuss seeing acquaintances, I laugh & cringe inside when she describes their conversations about how she is now working with me -- "how are things going, what are you doing now?" --  "Still working at the restaurant and now I have a big girl job in PR."  GASP!  [Makes my heart flutter speaking of it]  Resistance -- I guess what I am doing, what she just recently took on as her new place-where-I-spend-my-most-time-and-get-paid IS, in fact a big girl job.

With all of these signs pointing towards ---- >GROWN-UP< ---- and my friends posting photos on Instagram & Facebook of their engagement rings and {swallow} sonograms of their soon to be babies.... I'm only really phased me when see the post or think about it.  However, when I look in the mirror every morning before my big girl job, I only see me the me who has been, since always, a Peter Pan at heart.... and I panic remembering I have to be an adult for 9 hours.

I've tried to decifer my reasoning for not wanting to grow up, and, I could bore you insanely with my inconclusive findings, but that isn't important.  What's important is, that my first blog post here described my willingness and excitement for the future..... and I'm [somehow] going to have to find the me who wrote that to help me battin down the hatches and get ready for the ride.

Nightmare before Christmas

It has taken some courage, self understanding and humility to write this..... let's start at the beginning. 

I survived the supposed "Apocalypse", but barely managed to survive the Sunday morning before Christmas.  

[NOTE] When I wake up on Sunday mornings, I am most likely, subconsciously [in my head] singing, "Sunday Morning" by The Velvet Underground (unless I am incredibly hungover, in which case I take aspirin, a shot of bud light, champagne or in desperate situations, vodka -- fall back asleep and wake up later singing [in my head] "Sunny Afternoon" by The Kinks.)

This particular Sunday, I woke, rested.  Mimosa made by new roommate, BF sleeping late, I indulged in a chick flick on Netflix... catching up with my best friend on the phone, PERFECT.... but I digress. 

Nightmare before Christmas showed it's sweet little wicked face around 11:14 am.  I saw it's eye out the corner of mine.  Army crawling towards my favorite screen door, leading to my outdoor sanctuary- was a mouse.

With tears already in my eyes and anxiety in my chest I was somehow able to squeak the words to Sean that I saw a mouse.

[Mind you:  our neighbors on the first floor have described this experience to us before... and yet, because of our location, I never even winced thinking a mouse would come in OUR house.]

After crumbling bookshelves, tears & frantic calls to my mother, unanswered knocks on neighbors doors, and the hugest dining room renovation known to man, we caught the this little pest on an adhesive pad. Feet stuck to adhesive like the Woolly Mammoth's stuck in the La Brea Tar Pits, this mouse screamed.... something I in no way have the capacity to handle.

Luckily, Sean isn't as fearful or humane as I am... And was able to rid our home of this terror within moments.

Now, looking back, I think this was the last act of 2012 terrorizing me.  A year full of surprises, accidents, tests of strength & faith.... 2012 was a demon.

I was rear-ended twice... two cars totalled.  Sean broke his neck diving into a pool.  My grandma dealt with numerous health issues from cancer to a broken back.  My patience were tested by friends, work, and god almost daily.... [the good news?  I survived... and so did Sean & my grandma]

So far in 2013, I can say with conviction, "it's much better than last."  At least in the department of rodents.  I have yet to see another mouse... and for that, I'm thankful.

Cheers to a happy & successful twenty-thirteen. 

XX

Ancient Inspiration -- Part Un

I've had my black MacBook for approximately 8 years and it still works like a gem.  Friend's laptops, much younger than mine have crashed, sending all those memories, term papers, photos, songs and iChat histories into the black abyss that is a "crashed hard drive," however my little black computer has survived years of inappropriate restarting, fists on the keyboard, dead batteries & memory overload.... like a champ.  [thinking: now is probably the perfect time to "knock on wood"]

I recently went through old files.  Folders labeled "skinny" and "shit" on my desktop and this is what I found.  8 years of nonsense, that I still feel is completely irreplaceable. 

                                              

   



My obsession with Nicole Richie &the Olsen Twins.... archives of paparazzi shots.  [slight shame]











This is still a look I completely love -- [reminder:  search for those shades on eBay ASAP] ----->









  


Kristen Dunst in the look book for Band Of Outsiders.    Amazing!

Photos of me eating cup of noodles... and somehow trying, desperately, to artify/beautify bad eating habits combined with lazy days.  





And so, I leave you with that.  The archives of a mad, crazy, white woman who believes in paparazzi photos, the fashion trends from "many summers ago", Vietnamese snacks, and cliff hangers.  To be continued in part deux.  [work with me -- it took 8 years to compile these nonsense files, I should at least release them in parts.]

XX